For well over 2 years now, on and off i’ve been less than stable mentally.
I go through stages sometimes, of what i’d call ‘My depression’ because it’s not ever been diagnosed as proper depression, but it seems like more than just normal teenage hormones, if you get me. During this time i was always sad, i’d cry all the time, i was extremely self conscious, very very anxious, i’d cry for no reason, i was always constantly paranoid about what people were thinking about the way i looked and saw my self as ugly, stupid and fat. I saw a school councillor, and she was of little help to me. I then saw two therapists out of school, one spoke to me, the other took notes and monitored my body language. This made me more paranoid and uncomfortable, and therefore unable to tell them what i was thinking because i was too worried about being watched and judged. Also, my spurts of anxiety were dying down slightly, and although i still had my down days, i felt unable to say a thing about it to them, so they told me i was perfectly normal and suggested i stopped seeing them. So i stopped going.
Three days later, i had a breakdown, i had done this only once before, and it was not as severe.
My parents were going out for dinner, and i was meant to be going out with them but i was so self conscious about the way i looked, i didn’t go with them, it wasn’t even a big thing, we often go out to a little restaurant around the corner but i was so paranoid i stayed inside, so by this point, i was refusing to leave the house unless i had to, or felt up to it, which very rarely happened. When my parents went out, i burst into tears, and began screaming uncontrollably. I was slamming my fists into everything, and i couldn’t stop crying, i stumbled into the bathroom and fell to the floor next to the shower, then i began slamming my fists into the shower panel, luckily i didn’t break it. Eventually, after about an hour i calmed down and managed to get up and function semi normally for the rest of the night, occasionally i’d start crying again but it wouldn’t last too long, and i’d be alright after a small cry. I did not tell my parents about the breakdown, nor did i tell my friends or family, i told some of my friends months later.
Lately, i have started having slightly different moods, they’ve been more anger orientated, or rather, frustration really, i’ve still been sad, but not in the same way, this time it’s kind of worse because i’m confused, and scared, and i don’t know what to do. I always feel alone, even though i have friends who i have told all of this to. I have a particularly close friend, who i tell everything to, and although i know the thought of me being ‘ill’ scares him, and he really does care, i still get days when i feel no less alone.
I have been more hysterical in my breakdowns, and every now and then, my thoughts, get the better of me, because, i think so much, and i cant keep track of it all, and it’s like a thousand people whispering to me, (it’s not like i’m hearing voices, i just mean that’s what it’s like, they are all my own conscious thoughts, but they are all chaotic, and while i believe that chaos is beautiful, it’s destroying me) and it’s like i can’t think straight because i am thinking too much at once, and i can’t calm it down or stop it, it’s almost always like that, sometimes i can cope with it, some days it’s a bit too much to deal with.
I have screaming fits as well now, when i go into breakdown mode, i scream uncontrollably, and i freak out, i pull out hair and slap myself, hit myself in the head, and curl up in a ball until i can stop. I used to be able to snap myself out of my hysteria by self harming, but i’ve stopped doing that now, and i don’t really want to go back, my friend and i were discussing other outlets as i’m a creative person, so i draw a lot, i also write songs and model a lot in concept photos i take. (Strange, Tim Burton style photos 
It’s what interests me ^_^) but when i tried to write more songs when i could tell i was going to freak out (sometimes i can tell because i go very morbid, and very dark, and very quiet) so i tried to write a song, but i couldn’t come up with anything and this frustrated me, it ended up speeding up the process because i was getting aggravated quickly, i tried to draw as well but i couldn’t come up with anything creative or original (creative drought) and i ended up breaking down again.
Lately i’ve been going a little off the rails again, it may have been triggered by a friend and i talking because i used to have feelings for him and due to a long series of events, i ended up dating another guy much later on, thinking the first guy i liked wasnt interested, only to find out later on that had i not dated the first guy (the relationship ended because i was unhappy) then i w