I’m a college-aged male, and I feel like I’m stuck in a rut of doing the same boring things over and over while my life passes me by.
Every day I just sit in my room on my laptop bored, pace around listening to music and thinking about my fantasy life, play video games, go to work as a dishwasher at a restaurant when I’m scheduled, and stay up until around 4:00AM before going to sleep.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life other than that I want to have lots of good friends, fall in love, have time for excitement every once in a while, and be happy. I just finished my freshman year at community college, and I still don’t know what I should major in. The things I’m most interested in are music, psychology, and literature - the types of things that don’t lead to any good jobs at all. My only career goals are things that are unrealistic because of the amount of talent needed or because of the amount of education and money to fund that education needed. I’m not looking for any sort of easy path through life, but I want to find something that I have a reasonable chance of succeeding at.
I’ve been an introvert my entire life, grew up going between one physically abusive environment and one emotionally abusive environment, was disliked by my classmates from a young age due to my misbehavior at school, and I have been very shy and self-loathing since middle school where I was bullied unrelentingly for being gay.
I met some great friends in high school, but I ended up romantically falling for one of them, who is straight. To avoid any future pain in this way, I’ve decided to go straight myself and just find a girl who isn’t that into sex or kissing. I’m still single though because I’m too ugly and shy for girls to like me.
During my senior year in high school, things were going well for me for the first time ever, but then I decided to look up things like “why do people make me so nervous?” and long story short I deluded myself into thinking I had Asperger’s syndrome (It’s kind of like a mild form of autism). Before I knew about this, I just did all the social things normally without thinking about them but was just a bit shy and awkward. Even now, a year after calling myself out for my idiocy, I still worry about whether or not I’m phrasing things correctly or using correct facial expressions
Whenever I feel like I’m on a path to accomplishing something, my own feelings of low self worth and shyness come back to bite me, and I just end up moving back into what I’m used to, no matter how much I hate it. In a crossroads with a choice between something that has always mildly satisfied me and something new that may satisfy me even more, I always choose the thing that I’ve always known because of the anxiety of the new. In all my life, I’ve only had one job because of this - a dishwasher job at a restaurant that I hate but have been at for the past 4 years.
I have a very nice grandma who has offered to give me room and board while I go to college in the area where she lives next year. In a way, I’d like to think of it as a new beginning, but something tells me that I’ll just end up talking to no one and going back to the way I always have been.
I really want to know how I can change and become the person I’ve always wanted to be, and to decide what to do with my short life.
Any advice would be appreciated - thank you in advance.