Open Question: If this was a comedy sketch - does it have potential?
If this was a comedy sketch - does it have potential?
Bennitino’s restaurant, Patrick and his wife, Susan sit at a table opposite their friends Quentin and his wife, Tracy. Patrick has invited the couple to the restaurant for the first time.
Patrick — Have you eaten here before?
Quentin — No, I haven’t actually. But it looks rather chic.
Patrick — It is, quite. They specialise in exotic food. Isn’t that right, Susan?
Susan — Quite right. If you’re looking for a place that offers food for refined taste, superior delicacies, then this place is the restaurant to be.
Quentin — I see. Well, I can’t wait.
Tracy — Yes! Quentin and I have been literally ticking the days off the calendar.
Susan (patronisingly) — Oh, have you now! Oh, how cute.
(Quentin and Tracy exchange stupefied looks)
Patrick — Right! Here comes the waiter. I hope you know what you’re ordering?
(Quentin nods enthusiastically)
Waiter — Good evening to you! Are you ready to order? Yes? (addressing Quentin) What shall I get you?
Quentin — Oh good. I would like Your Special Indian Ocean lobster Frittata with your best almas caviar.
(The Waiter doesn’t write anything down. He is surprised. Patrick and Susan look at each other, paled and obviously horrified to the bone.)
Quentin (oblivious to everything) — You aren’t writing it down?
Patrick (in a restrained low voice, trying to shield the conversation from the waiter.) — Quentin, Quentin. This is not your ordinary restaurant. You don’t order a frittata - in Bennitino’s!
Quentin (not whispering) — Why not? It’s not an ordinary dish. It costs a fortune everywhere else.
Patrick (embarrassed) — Quentin, Quentin, QUENTIN. Do keep your voice down, old chap. Susan and I have a reputation here. Look! How about you try what’s on the Menu. Have you even looked at the menu?
Quentin — No, I haven’t actually. (He opens the menu.)
Waiter (addressing Tracy) — Perhaps your wife would like to order?
Tracy — Yes. Could I have the fillet mignon please, medium rare, with extra gravy.
Susan (exasperated, she holds her forehead in her hand) — Oh, God!
Patrick — You can’t have that! What do you think this is - McDonald’s?! This is a place of refined taste, food for the creme de la creme of our noble society. This is civilisation on a plate! (the waiter is shaking his head. Patrick turns to him) No, don’t go. How about we order while they pick another dish - a correct dish…
(Quentin and Tracy exchange looks of confusion once more.)
Patrick — Ready, Susan?
Susan — Yes. Could I have a slice of giraffe neck for starters, followed by the roast piranha, stewed in a cauldron of rich lion’s mane and goat’s horn.
(Tracy’s eyes widen in shock. She cannot believe her ears.)
Waiter — Gold, silver or bronze, madam?
Susan — Excuse me?
Waiter — The cauldron. Should it be made of gold, silver or bronze?
Patrick and Susan — Oh! (they laugh fakely) Oh!
Patrick — Of course, the cauldron, how could we forget?!
Susan — Yes, I mean, we come here all the time. Isn’t that right, Patrick?
Patrick — That’s right, Susan. (Looking up at the waiter and pointing at her and himself) Regulars!
Waiter — So, which would it be madam?
Susan — Oh, Gold please.
Waiter — Gold?
Susan — Yes. It gives the dish a real luxurious flavour. So golden, so el dorado! (Looks at Tracy with a wide grin) It makes all the difference.
Waiter — Right, and you sir?
Patrick — I would like the Panda Shawarma for starters.
Waiter — Yes, the Panda… aha!
Patrick — And for my main course, fried eagle wings wrapped in elephant’s ears, graced with beautiful cranberry sauce, and with a hint of tusk.
Waiter — Elephant task or Narwhal tusk?
Patrick — Neither. Mammoth tusk, please.
(Quentin and Tracy are staring at each other, gobsmacked.)
Waiter — And what do you want to drink?
Patrick — Oh, for me, cow blood, sucked out by a vampire bat.
Susan — I think I’ll just have wine.
Tracy (happy) — Oh, me too!
Waiter — Splendid. With a hint of caterpillar mucus or a dash of frog spawn?
Susan — Oooh, I think I’ll be daring and go for the mucus.
Waiter (turning to Tracy) — And for you?
Tracy — I think I will just drink water.
Waiter — Right, and have you made up your mind as to what you want to eat?
Quentin — Yes. I think we have come to a conclusion after a lot of reflection and consultation, and we’ve decided that we are having… nothing.
Waiter — Oooh, very exotic sir. That is a very expensive dish. And what will the dressing be?
Quentin — Oh, I think nothing sauce, wrapped in even more nothing. Please make sure it’s roasted on a very hot nothing.
Waiter — Of course, sir. And to drink?
Tracy — Well I’m having water.
Quentin — Yes. And I’ll have the wine, please.
(Tracy turns immediately to look at him, her eyes wide in shock.)
Tracy — Really?!
Quentin — Yes. And could I have it with a deep nothing flavour?
Waiter — Absolutely. (is about to leave)
Quentin — I want my food on a diamond plate, encrusted with rubies and emeralds. (looks at Susan) Diamond gives it a flashy taste, and the rubies and emeralds really spice it up.
Waiter — Erm…
Quentin — And I want my drink served cool in an ancient gold goblet belonging to Darius the Great of Persia - you should be able to find it in the Tehran National Museum. (Looks at his watch) But judging by the time… adding time difference… oh dear, it’s nearing closing-time. I’d say you have ten minutes to get out of here, get a cab to the airport, buy a ticket,
board the plane, land in Tehran, find the museum, steal the goblet, flee the police, smuggle it out of the country, and return on a private MI6 jet back to London, and serve this bloody drink -
Waiter — Erm…
Quentin — And make sure it’s cold!!!
Waiter — Well, it’s just - I mean - er -
(Quentin stares at the waiter, absolutely livid)
Waiter — I’ll see what I can do. (And he rushes off to the kitchen, leaving Patrick and Susan clearly intimidated and baffled.)
Quentin — Well, what a charming restaurant. Don’t you think, Trace? Yeah, quite delightful.
END
Tags: Caviar, Comedy Sketch, Delicacies, Dish, Exotic Food, Fortune, Frittata, Good Evening, Indian Ocean, Lobster, Old Chap, Open Question, Refined Taste, Reputation, Sit, Stupefied, Time Patrick, Waiter, Wife Susan, Wife Tracy